On Hugging in Japan: Public Displays of Emotion

I must have been in my teens.  Looking for something to read, I browsed the bookshelf my parents kept well stocked and came across a book about life in Japan.  I don't remember the name of the book (note to self--write these things down if I want to sound credible) but there was a passage about publicly displaying emotions, specifically affection, being a no-no here in Japan.  So much so that when Rodin's statue "The Kiss" was displayed in Tokyo in the 1960s (don't quote me on this) there was an uproar.  Not about the two naked people embracing, but the fact they were kissing.  The kiss (The Kiss) was too much. 

I left Japan at age 18 to go to university in the US.  I made frequent trips to Japan over the next several decades, finally moving back two years ago.  Time away from Japan has made me notice changes, some subtle and others more overt.  A key difference between the Japan of my youth and Japan today is precisely this public displaying of emotion.  More people walk through town holding hands.  Even the older generation, those of my parent's age can be seen walking hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm.  I see people hugging hello and good bye at train stations and restaurants.   Watching the national high school boys baseball championship I see teenage boys hugging each other--some in celebration, others to comfort.  Is there a new cultural phenomenon in Japan?  Has Japan caught the open-expression-of-feelings bug?  Is it possible (do I dare hope?) love is in the air?  Are we in experiencing perpetual spring fever?

Because nothing in Japan is simple, I must note how, here again, life in Tohoku is different.  I did not set out to make a statement, or work towards affecting change.  I did what came naturally.  With kids around me in the 13 preschools I've visited over the past two years I made it a point to hug.  Slowly I started seeing these kids in town.  Some I saw frequently.  There was hesitation at first on both sides, me wondering if I can and should hug the kid in front of his or her parent, and shyness on their part.  This, too, changed with time.  Now kids run up to me arms wide open and clutch me around my waist.  I hug them back tight.  We giggle, laugh, say hello.

Soon the moms were ready for hugs, too.  With some mothers now hugs are a part of hello and good-bye.  Then came the dads.  A handshake would turn into a pull towards each other, ending with something resembling a chest-bump.  These also over time turned into more natural, comfortable hugs.

I've known it's not up to me to initiate the hug, at least up in the Tohoku region where life is much more formal, rules rigid, traditional, and sometimes antiquated.  This became extremely evident during the tanabata festival held up north in early August.  I hadn't seen my adopted families for almost six weeks.  With everyone in a good mood, emotions running high in the best way possible, I said hello with each brother, sister, and mother I saw.  One of my mothers came shuffling towards me, a half-run half-walk, her hands held up as if she was showing me her ten fingers.  I smiled wide, said hello and clutched her hands.  We'd never hugged before, and it was only after I saw a quick glimpse of disappointment in her eyes that I realized she was expecting a hug.  The same thing happened with a brother.  He had never initiated a hug.  I couldn't imagine a hug would be forthcoming, but his hands also were showing me ten fingers, and when I went to high five him on both hands, he pulled me in.  When we both pulled back from each other we exchanged a, "Well, that was awkward" look.  (I have a feeling it will be awhile before we try that again.)

Japan is changing.  Japan has been changing.  This is more obvious and evident in some areas, while far out in the country like Tohoku it's less visible.  I am leaning towards defining this change as good.  Others may disagree but here is a part of life in Japan I can confidently say is moving in the right direction.

Hug, Bow, Shake, Peck, or Kiss?

Public displays of affection (referred to as PDA, not to be confused with PDAs--the techno-gadgets that you're supposed to use to remember your schedule) ... see, I'm digressing already ...

Public displays of affection in Japan have become more and more visible.  I snuck a photo of a couple, early retirement age perhaps, who were walking down a sidewalk hand in hand.  I've snapped others on the sly.  Young couples cling.  Even people my age, I passed two yesterday, walk around with open and public displays of affection.  I don't remember seeing much of this growing up.  And, that's putting it mildly.

I've long taught Westerners to bow when doing business in Japan.  If you can bow and shake at the same time, that's even better.  "Don't do the double peck-on-the-cheek thing," I've had to tell many Europeans. 

Publicly showing affection, while more prevalent in Tokyo, in Tohoku is another story entirely.  Most up north know from movies and television foreigners are touchy.  "You gaijins hug a lot" I was once told by someone in Rikuzentakata.  I laughed and replied, "I guess we do."

This makes it all the more interesting that eighteen months after I first set foot in the disaster zone, my friends, friends of friends, and family members of friends are now starting to explore the idea of physical expression.  Not in a sexual way, mind you.  The jabs I get in my ribs (literally) from one man up north happen only when he's drunk--this is the only uncomfortable physical contact I've experienced in Tohoku.

Men and women now want to say hello and good-bye with a hug.  The first one is awkward.  We stand there both with a mental message "You go first" but neither of us move.  I don't want to be pushy by leaning into hug, and they want to but are shy (they don't hug anyone else in public) and yet still are hoping to connect.  Once we get past that first hug, awkward moments and all, greetings are now more physical.

To be sure, there are those whom I will not hug (it's not appropriate), and those who are uninterested in hugging.  I can just picture several of my male friends in Tohoku saying, "It's not manly."  It's not.  Where men are men, strong and stoic, there's no room for public hugging or pecks on the cheek.  That's okay.  For those who want to incorporate a more physical expression of affection, there's now a whole new method open to them.  On my trips to Tohoku I hug children, men, and women.  With big smiles and shy grins, they reach back.

Physical touch is a bigger deal in Tohoku if for no other reason, emotional healing is still a process many are going through.  Hugging creates warmth.  It bonds.  It leads to a faster, deeper connection.  The bonds of friendship become intense quicker and lasts longer, too.  Just yesterday, I hugged a woman and she gripped back, not letting go.  Touch is the fastest way to reach those wanting to feel whole, healthy, and loved.  I think back to the sensation of my grandmother's hand on mine, a peck on the cheek from a niece, my son jumping into my arms.  I smile.  Of course this is good.

Where rules are still rigid with predetermined expectations on who bows lower and raises their heads up first, hugging, holding hands, and kissing is still new.  Combine these, especially all at once (i.e. hug and peck, shake hands but then turn it into a "whassup" grip, bow and shake, etc.) and it's challenging to those here who want to experiment but don't know what to do with whom, or how, or when.

Except they're trying.  With more freedom to show love in public, old rules are changing with new ones being made up as life unfolds.  It's really fun to watch.  It's even more fun to be a part of.