Playground Rules 30 Years Later

Let me be clear.  I'm not complaining as much as I am noting a recent experience.  In short, it's a repeat of what many of us experienced in school during recess, in playgrounds, at play dates.  The you-can't-play-with-us-because-we-didn't-invite you, or you're-not-one-of-us phenomenon--how many of us have been the recipient of such behavior?  The protagonist?  It's a form of bullying.  Less obvious perhaps, less overt, possibly even less painful than the blatant "I hate you" or "you're weird/too different"but let's call it what it is.  It's exclusion. 

I can't think of any instance when bullying is acceptable.  When adults take part it's just dumb.  Be honest.  This resonates.  We've either seen it happen, heard of it, or taken part ourselves.

The latest such experience is taking place not near me, but around me.  Hypothetically, let's imagine there's an event taking place somewhere far away that involves a community of Japanese locals.  Let's also hypothetically assume there's been an attempt to sell Tohoku-related goods at this event specifically meant to help those who made these items.  Now let's "pretend" (and I'm being generous with this word) some of the sponsors of this event decided they needed to intentionally block the sale of goods made by those in Tohoku (to whom the money would go) because -- wait for it -- it wasn't their idea.

Let's call it as we see it.  This is a I-didn't-think-of-this-first-and-you-didn't-ask-my-permission-so-I'm-going-to-block-you response to an act that would otherwise be considered common sense, right, proper, courteous, and kind.

I don't get it.  It's silly.  This is what people do when given a bit of power and they feel the need to exert it.  I'm also really sorry this kind of behavior is necessary.  Clearly, some people aren't able to see the big picture.  It's sad, really. 

Thirty years after we've played in parks, living rooms and playgrounds, evidently some of us still don't know how to play nicely in the sandbox. 

Maybe I am complaining.

In defense of good manners

I will admit my bias upfront.  Raised on books like "Good Manners Make People Nice To Know" and "What Do You Say Dear?" the importance, nay, insistence upon proper behavior and good manners was drilled into me from an early age.  This means, unfortunately for me these days, I am finding myself more and more annoyed by the lack of said manners by those around me.  Increasingly, I see behavior I can only shake my head to.

It's universal.  Bad manners are not reserved for wealthy, fat, North Americans.  To my shock, I am coming across Japanese who simply put, should be smacked once or twice, sent to their room with a copy of "What Do You Say Dear?" which they are expected to memorize before they can come join society again.

Case in point.  I mentioned several months ago how Japanese taxi drivers personified the best in people here.  I said they were polite, their cars impeccably clean, and knew how to toe the line between when to be chatty and when to to stay quiet.  Allow me to back pedal.  On my first day here several weeks ago, I lugged my four giant, heavy, suitcases into and out of a taxi, by myself as the driver stood next to the open trunk and watched.  I didn't fare well.  Up until this point, I had assistance with my bags.  I barely had to lift any of them.  This driver offered no assistance.  Nothing.  Nada.  So shocked by this, I even forgot to ask for help.  In the US, drivers would help put anything into the trunk regardless of whether the passenger was male or female.  Do they do this because of tips?  Perhaps.  It's also expected.  I will gladly tip to not throw my back out.

Then there's the men-first-always mentality.  Standing in front of an elevator, five men come up behind me.  They chat away as we all wait for the car to reach our floor.  I'm the first in line, if there was actually a "line" per se.  The doors open and from behind me the five men rush the door.  I kid you not.  No "ladies first" here.  It's as if they were afraid the elevator had a mind of its own and if they didn't get in right away they were going to some how be left behind.  They really rushed that door.  I actually stood outside of the elevator, let the men go past me, looked at them with what I hoped was a "did you just do what I think you did?" look and then got in.  I'm quite capable of being passive-aggressive.  Yes.  Did they get my point?  Who knows.

This sense of "rushing" is also seen when getting onto trains.  The doors open, the passengers get out, and in the past the queue waited to get on until everyone was off.  Now there's barely a semblance of a queue and there's no real expectation that we are all to wait for the passengers' exit and then get on.

What's going on here?  Seriously.  What has happened to Japan?  All this talk (accurate, mind you) about how orderly people were both during and after the earthquake on March 11th is hard to believe at times.  Allow me to back pedal again.  Yesterday's typhoon hit Tokyo right at rush hour.  From around 5:00pm until midnight, millions of Tokyoites cram trains, subways, buses, and taxis for their commute home.  Last night, the trains stopped running.  Stations were crammed with people waiting.  There was no rioting.  No serious complaining.  I was one of several hundred who stood in line for several hours waiting for a taxi.  So, see.  People here are capable of being patient.  Of letting others go first.  Sometimes.  What used to be "always" is not just "sometimes."  Where has this change come from?

To prove that good manners are a thing of the past here in Japan, I offer these photos. 

They are all over train stations in Tokyo. 

That these posters

need to be put up in the first place, this is a shocker.  Then again, it's not.  I've seen such behavior over and over.  I'm saddened.  This bothers me.  I'm accustomed to Americans behaving badly.  From the man who asked why I don't mention him in my blog to the screaming matches at political rallies to those who feel the need to cut others off in traffic to the utterances of "Do you know who I am?", America is, unfortunately, filled with people who believe their time is more important than yours.  That those who share this sentiment now also are on the rise here in Japan, this is truly sad. 

There are some things not worth importing, people.

Why manners still matter

In a country where rules exist on how deep one bows, when, and for whom, and where protocol is clear on when to give gifts, how, and why one would think tradition rules.  Saying it doesn't is misleading.  Truly, manners matter in Japan.  Rather, manners have mattered in Japan.  Change is in the air.

When the earthquake hit on March 11th, Tokyoites walked home hours on end.  I am blessed for having heard story after story of random acts of kindness during the seven or eight hours some people spent walking.  This side of Japan always impresses me.  This side of Japan I love.  This is what I want people to know about Japan.

I will not, however, sacrifice the whole truth for the sake of a good story.  Day after day, I see more and more cases of what I can only call obnoxious behavior in Tokyo.  Evidently, the Japanese are just as capable of being rude and horribly behaved as they are of having impeccable manners.  What's going on?  Has Japan always been like this and I'm just now noticing?  I think not.  The Japan of my childhood is slowly disappearing.  Certainly Japan has always had its share of rude people.  To say otherwise is naive and irresponsible.  As a society however, en masse, I have been blessed with seeing incredibly generous people with manners a society can be proud of.  Which is why when I see such flagrant changes in Japanese behavior, I can only stand back and take notice and cringe.

In the past several years in Japan I have seen every emergency vehicle have to ask for cars to move.  There is no automatic pull-over-to-the-side here.  I don't quite see how this can be but I saw it again today.  Three bright red fire trucks had to wait for people to cross the street in order to move through an intersection.  A fire fighter in full gear is in the front passenger seat saying into the microphone, "Excuse us.  We're coming through."  Pedestrians trump firetrucks?  Really?

I feel quite entitled to point out how selfish those are who will not move out of the way for vehicles on their way to save people.  Why?  I drive in Massachusetts.  Massachusetts drivers are ranked 49th out of 50 in terms of the country's worst drivers.  We (and I must add myself to this list) are affectionately referred to as "Massholes."  I know bad driving.  I really do.  Then there is our wicked neighbor.  Immediately south of Massachusetts is Rhode Island where the worst drivers in the US move to/live/breed/congregate.  Survey after survey ranks those from Rhode Island as the worst drivers in the country.  I couldn't agree more.    Which is why when there is never a question for terrible American drivers to always and consistently move out of the way of ambulances, police cars, and fire trucks, and yet the generally-known-as-incredibly-polite Japanese can't seem to make way for these same vehicles, I cry foul.

What's going on here?  Where has this general acceptance of bad manners come from?  Come on, Japan.  You can do better.