I Am Not Depressed

I will never say or write any given culture is superior to another.  Elements of a culture may be beautiful.  More beautiful than others.  Elements of a culture may be cruel.  How I define this beauty and cruelty is mine.  Yours may differ.  Your definition and mine probably won't always intersect in a peaceful and harmonious way.  Some days this is just fine.  Other days it's anything but.

Robin Williams is dead.  According to news sources, he took his own life.  According to the same and other news sources, he was suffering from depression.  We probably won't know the truth for awhile, if ever.

What do differing definitions of cultural beauty and cruelty have to do with Robin Williams?  In order to explain this, I must first commit possibly a great faux pas.  I will now renege.  I won't actually say Japanese culture is inferior to others, but in one particular cultural norm I offer my harshest assessment and criticism:  Japan's attitudes towards mental health care as a whole are wrong, outdated, not helpful, and harmful.

I've now worked in the disaster region of Japan for over three years.  To say the tsunami of March 2011 messed people up is a stupid understatement.  I've lived and worked alongside people suffering from deep and profound pain.  Sadness is normal.  Grief is constant.  Getting help?  Seeing a therapist?  Openly discussing this pain and sadness and grief?  Not a chance.

Enter the Japanese spirit of gaman.  Children are told to "suck it up" and "be strong" and "behave" and "not complain".  Men drink away their frustration.  Women keep going.  These are perhaps gross generalizations, but that does not make them false.  In the Tohoku region where the disaster struck there is even a stronger, more stubborn sense of pride over the Japanese spirit of gaman.  Here, people really don't complain.  I am baffled, confused, bothered, and upset by this resolve.

On a good day gaman can mean strength.

"I will survive."
"I will persevere."
"I am strong."
"I am stoic."
"I am brave."

Yes.   All that.
Until none stay true.

To my friends who believe the spirit of gaman will carry them through forever, I offer you these words.

Isn't it possible that before you are Japanese and I, American, we are human?  As human beings, isn't it true that (unless there are underlying mental health issues already present) we like the same things?  Good food makes us happy.  Laughter is the best medicine.  We love sex.  Friendship, companionship, camaraderie all leave us feeling good.

We dislike the same things.  Betrayal hurts.  Death of a loved one causes pain.  Rotten food doesn't taste good.  Abandonment we fear.

If we are baseline the same, built on the same emotional foundation why then must we deny ourselves these natural feelings in the name of culture?  I get that quiet strength is noble and to be admired.  Not, however, at the expense of collective mourning that sweeps everyone into the vacuum of depression, collateral damage all around.

So, let me say this.  I am not depressed.

But, last week I had several moments that shook me up.  I was tired.  Incredibly tired.  Too tired.  Not-good tired.

Several times during the week I found myself wondering, "What would it be like to go to sleep and not ever wake up?  Wouldn't that feel good?"

Let me repeat:  I am not depressed.  I am not suicidal.  I am, however, deeply and monumentally tired.

Why am I writing this?  Because I don't believe suicide is the best solution for dealing with pain.  I don't know what happened with Robin Williams.  I remember crying he made me laugh so hard.  I will miss that.  I will miss what he offered in his comedy and acting.  But, if depression did indeed play a role in his choice to take his life (not confirmed as I write this) then I find myself angry as I am saddened.

Let's talk.
Let's talk about how we feel.
Let's talk about what troubles us.
Maybe, just maybe, gaman is not the right response to a massive disaster.  Maybe asking several hundred thousand children to "be strong because you're Japanese" is exactly the wrong way of going about mental health care.

Maybe Robin Williams didn't have to take his life.  Maybe we really need to change the way we deal with pain, grief, trauma, and sadness.  Maybe we put culture aside for a minute and focus on the fact before we belong to culture we are a species with just as many commonalities as differences.

And me?  I'm going on vacation.  I will do nothing productive other than rest.  For two weeks.  If after that I'm still tired, then I will look at resigning my job.  I don't ever again want to be attracted to the idea of not waking up in the morning.