"You can't do that here."

I've learned the hard way since a year ago March I am not made of stone.  Neither am I made of glass.  I'm strong, and yet also vulnerable to pain.  I'm made of steel, but when exposed to strong heat, I melt.

On my last trip back home to Boston, I realized I missed my husband when I was home more than when I was a continent and ocean away.  It was all I could do not to call him at work and ask, "When are you coming home today?"  Having him near, or the possibility of having him near meant when he wasn't immediately present the void was that much larger.  This wasn't good.

Good-byes at the airport never get easier.  Ever.  I miss my family terribly.  A friend's comment on Facebook, "You can't always expect your husband to be your knight in shining armor" was the smack I needed.  Something in my life here in Japan, in Tohoku and Tokyo, something here had to change.

I decided to get counseling.  There's an English-language counseling service aimed at foreigners in Tokyo, and looking them up, I asked for help.  Taking this step alone, I already feel better.

Which then got me thinking.  The stigma associated with counseling in Japan is real.  I've known this.  Would it help those in Tohoku, those who could really use counseling, to hear I too am talking to a counselor? 

In Japan, counseling is very much reserved for the mentally ill.  You need to have a "problem" in order to need it.  Or, so people think.  So people say.  I find this a very unfortunate phenomenon, especially at a time where there's such a mass need to unload, ask for help, cry, get guidance.  The "taboo" as people in Tohoku call it--can we some how undo this?  If I'm open about getting counseling, would people say to themselves, "Well, she's not mentally ill and she's getting counseling.  Maybe I will, too."?  Will they make that leap?

I've been asking around.  "So, if I say I'm getting counseling, if I'm not shy about saying this, do you think people might try it, too?"  The answers, to date, are unanimously against.
"People will think you don't have friends."
"They'll think it's some 'American' thing."
"You'll be labeled."
"You can't do that here."

My reply to all of these statements has been "Why?" and here people get stuck.
"Just because," is what I most often hear.

I get it.  I do.  It's hard in a small town to be known as the person who breaks the mold and tries something new, especially when those who "get counseling" are thought to bee some how "off."
"You might get away with doing that, but we can't."  I hear this over and over.

Determined to some how find a way to make the idea of counseling less taboo and more acceptable, I keep talking to people.  Just today, I spoke with a young woman in town to get her perspective.
"I'd first wonder 'why' and then assume you shop."  Shop?  That's a first.  I ask her to explain.
"You know.  Some people, when they are having a hard time, they shop.  Compulsively."  Ah.  Right.
"I'd wonder if you were 'one of those.'"  I don't know how to respond.  To make sure she clearly understands I'm not getting counseling to alleviate my non-existent shopping "problem" I say, "I wish I could shop more."  We both laugh.  I hope to myself that made sense to her.

I ask another woman for her opinion as I hang out at her store.
"It's the word 'counseling' that's the problem.  You know?  It's the same thing with 'therapy' and 'mental health.'  You know what I do?"
"No," and I'm genuinely curious.
"I call over an astrologer."
"Really?"
"It works.  You wouldn't believe what people tell astrologers.  I've had women here bawling their eyes out, telling the astrologers their deepest fears and concerns.  That's therapy, too.  People will talk if we don't call it 'counseling.'"

I ponder this.  "So, even if I'm open about talking to a counselor, people here won't try it?"
She sighs.  "It's the word.  It's just a bad word.  Astrology is safe.  It's fun.  Counseling isn't, well, fun.  It's serious.  I don't think it will work even if you say you're doing it."

I need to think this through.  It's sad knowing the need for counseling is so real, and yet the possibility of getting help through a counselor is so unreal.  With a bit more thought I hope to find a way to explain in a way people will understand there's nothing wrong with what I'm setting out to do.  I hope living by example will help someone step up and take the leap.