"Just not a black man"

My friend has a mistress.  He introduced me to her long ago and we've since met several times.  I like her.  With her he's happy.  That I've also met his wife complicates things.  That he and his wife share no love between them makes me sad.  Nothing about this scenario is easy.

Kimiko (not her real name) and I met for coffee several months back.  She told me of my friend's promise to her and her parents that he'd marry her.  He even promised a date.  This was news to me.  Not having heard him say anything about actually marrying her I vowed to stay silent and listen without comment.

As she talked one fact became obvious.  Neither Kimiko nor my friend had told her parents he's married or that he has children.  Breaking my vow of silence I ask why.

"My mother gave me two conditions on men I can't marry," Kimiko tells me.  "One is that she doesn't want me to marry a man who already has kids, and another," she pauses, "don't get mad, okay?" and I promise I won't (more on this in a minute), "my mother said, 'just not a black man.'"

Promising not to get angry or offended by what one is about to hear before actually hearing is a bad idea.  I know this.  Had I known what was coming I wouldn't have promised not to take offense.  Not being blessed with a poker face, I chose to focus on the tea in front of me, swirling the spoon hoping I wasn't showing my true feelings.

There's an unspoken and undocumented fact in Japan.  It's a secret because no one openly discusses it, but I argue most Japanese know of this sentiment.  There's a caste system in Japan.

To be clear, I'm not referring to the caste system students learn about in school.  In the feudal days, there was an open system pegging who belonged in what rank.  Commonly known as shinokosho, nothing about this is a secret.  At the top, the shi refer to the samurai.  Then come the no, the farmers.  Then the ko, artisans and craftsmen (they were mostly men), and then the sho, or the merchants.  Absent from this list is the eta, or burakumin as they're known today.  As non-humans or subhuman, lowest of the low, they don't even rank or warrant mention.  This is not the secret.  This system is a part of Japanese history.

The caste system of today is about race.  Who you are, how special you are, how and where you rank is Japanese society is, while never openly acknowledged determined by race.  More specifically, it's about skin color.  It breaks down like this:  Caucasians, Japanese, other Asians, and then a gradual gradation of skin color, those who are darkest at the bottom.  This means you can be African-American, Canadian or French or Danish of African descent, but citizenship in these countries will do nothing for you.  This is this ranking Kimiko's mother was referring to.

I should also point out a side note as it refers to my particular situation.  There's a parallel caste system which ranks men always higher than women.  That means the distinction of who's over whom between Japanese men and Caucasian women is a blur.  Whites trump Japanese but men trump women.  Who ranks higher then?  No one openly discusses this either.

It takes a discussion held behind closed doors with family members for true feelings to come out.  Kimiko's mother is serious about her wish for her daughter not to marry a black man.  I try to spin this statement by saying to myself Kimiko feels comfortable enough to share with me her mother's comments, which under normal circumstances should never be uttered.  What's unclear to me is whether there's a sense of how truly offensive this is.

On a different note, Kimiko and I have not met since that day.  We're approaching six months.  I'm left wondering if she feels she shared something too private, that she did offend me, or that she left that day embarrassed by her mother's instructions.

Perhaps Kimiko and I will not meet again.  My friend told me the other day he has no intention of marrying her.  Kimiko's mother's words, Kimiko's own situation and all that surrounds this messiness is a particularly unnerving part of life in Japan.  Some days I have more questions than answers.  That day with Kimiko was one of those days.